Cafe Wha? Wha-tever

Let me begin by saying I'm sorry. I'm sure Cafe Wha? means a lot to a lot of people, but I'll go right ahead and say it's one of the lamest night spots I've ever been to. Cafe Wha? comes off like it should be the chillest nightspot ever. A darkened basement, a fun funky live band, a history that could make Carnegie Hall blush (Hendrix, Dylan, Springsteen, Crosby, Prior, Velvet Underground to name a few have all graced it's darkened stage), plenty of dancing, and plenty of libations.

So you might be asking yourself "what seems to be the problem, joe?" well, let me fucking tell you. First we arrive and we're meeting people, the hostess is bouncing her twaty breasts to keep herself warm although I doubt she was anything less than cold-blooded. We let her know were meeting people and she says: "Ok go find them." OK. I then spy a sign on the door that reads "No unaccompanied gentlemen. Find a date." Now I'm sure this sign is 35 years old but fuck that! Fine, so we walk in and there's a lot going on. Dancing, band, servers, chaos. Were looking for our friends, obviously it's a mess. And we stop for a moment before the twaty hostess strikes again. KEEP MOVING. As if we were school children. Uh, OK, perhaps seat us? Lunatic? It is your fucking job. No big deal.

We're seated. Our server comes over and speaks to me about a two drink minimum. Now, I'm fasting so I make is clear that I'm not drinking. SORRY. Any other night I'll run a tab that will make P. Diddy blush (do black people blush?) but not tonight sorry Charlie. He "politely" explains that it's not optional, even for people fasting. I say Kristen will drink our minimum and he mumbles something about her not going to drink 6 drinks. Give me a break.

Our group is reunited before long. And the alcoholic bunch that we are, the minimum is drank almost instantly.


Now the time of the night comes for a smoke break. And we dash left and right to get to the door to find a bouncer blocking the door. He collects hall passes to smoke. "I'm sorry, you can't go outside. Find your server and get a pass" PERMISSION TO SMOKE PLEASE SIR? What the fuck? Can you imagine? I'm like "how about I light this smoke right here and you throw me out, and I never, ever come back."

So we send Alex back through the treacherous crowd to hunt down our server who gives him a pass. For 1. There are three of us trying to smoke. "I'm sorry, you can't go outside. You should have told your server it was for three." Well thanks for letting us know, it's only your full-time job.

Hello? Am I the only one who thinks this is utter Nazi lunacy? So Alex goes back through the crowd (what a guy) and secures us two more passes. All in all 20 minutes waiting to smoke a 45 second cigarette.

So the band keeps playing and everyone seems to be having a fun time despite the Nazi Lunacy. We decide a few hours later to move on.

Now, if you want to exit Cafe Wha? you need a receipt with a hand stamp from your server also to be presented to douche bag bouncer I-only-enforce-the-rules-never-question-the-lunacy-of-the-rules guy. Again, another 20 minutes wasted trying to exit the damn basement just to smoke a fucking cigarette and drink my damn lemonade sustenance. Is this legal?

Hey Cafe Wha? staff I have an idea. How about holding a fucking credit card and a fucking ID like every other drinking establishment in the world? I guarantee you'll get every tab paid AND you can fire that douche bag bouncer. And we can smoke, without seeking permission.

All in all, Cafe Wha? like so many other examples of NYC culture is gone. I'm sure these rules weren't in place when Bob Dylan was playing 35 years ago. And I'm also sure that every once of spirit that attracted these musicians to this night spot is also gone. It's a shame really. I won't be going back. I don't care how good the music was.

TWO DRINK MINIMUM: EVEN FOR PIOUS MUSLIMS
TWO DRINK MINIMUM: ESPECIALLY FOR PREGNANT WOMEN
TWO DRINK MINIMUM: EVEN FOR JESUS CHRIST
TWO DRINK MINIMUM: EVEN FOR ORTHODOX JEWS
TWO DRINK MINIMUM: EVEN FOR PRIESTS, NUNS, AND OTHER MEN AND WOMEN OF THE CLOTH
TWO DRINK MINIMUM: EVEN FOR RECOVERING ALCOHOLICS


(Photo credit: wikipedia.org)